Silly Soapbox: How the invention of the Dishwasher makes up for the invention of Pantyhose

There are some things that bring balance to the universe.  A wrinkled, toothless great-grandparent holding an smooth-skinned but equally toothless grandchild.  Thanksgiving gluttony (one of my absolute favorites) followed by grueling New Year’s resolutions.  Elaine from Seinfeld dancing at a party and Mikhail Baryshnikov dancing in Giselle.  Some of these ying-to-yang scenarios are altogether pleasant – who doesn’t love seeing generations of families love one another?  Some of them are comical (personally, I find Elaine and Baryshnikov equally entertaining, though in different ways).  But sometimes, balance is achieved only through the age-old dilemma that has plagued us since the dawn of man:

Good vs. Evil.

If you’re a woman, and heck, in some cases, if you’re a man, there is a better chance than not that you’ve experienced pure evil in your life.

I’m talking about…(dum, dum, dummmm)…Pantyhose.

Pantyhose aren’t simply a harbinger of evil.  They are evil.  It’s true.  All the red flags are there to warn us:

*Tiny packaging.  I mean, come on.  How can something that can literally fit into an Easter egg actually be expected to comfortably fit over half my body?

*Unnatural colors.  Remember Data from Star Trek? They chose the color ‘natural’ based on his skin tone.  The Oompa Loompa’s from Charlie and the Chocolate factory? Yeah, that’s ‘tan’. Oh, and don’t forget the weird, off-black color.  They got that from the Uruk-hai in Tolkien’s novels.  Not exactly flattering.

*Words like ‘Extra Support’ and ‘Queen’.  These seem like good, positive words, right?  They’re not.  They’re well-crafted lies from the Evil One (aka, Pantyhose).  Extra Support means “Squeeze your fat behind in these and I’ll remind you all day how imperfect you are.”  Queen was a term Pantyhose used to describe size when I was younger.  Sounds nice, right?  It’s not.  Instead of meaning a woman or thing regarded as excellent or outstanding of its kind (straight from the dictionary, thank you), what Pantyhose really means is, “You ate two dozen donuts yesterday and now I’m mocking you.”  Pantyhose is that ‘friend’ who says nice things to you, but the meaning is something different.  Way, way different.

Don’t get me wrong.  I still succumb to the lure of hosiery from time to time.  It happens.  Spanx has an undeniable siren song – I think many of you would agree.  After a few kids, the lure of a smooth mid-section is…intoxicating.  But I’m not here to discuss whether we should or shouldn’t wear them – I’m here to discuss how the evil they’ve forced the world to put on one ridiculously constricting and fragile (don’t get me started about runs!) leg at a time has been evened out.

Let me introduce you, my friends, to the DISHWASHER.

How many of us grew up washing dishes by hand?  How many of us, even now, find ourselves at this chore after dinner?  I’ve been there, through the bulk of my childhood, and most of my adult life.  Some homes we’ve lived in have had dishwashers, others haven’t.  The last five years were spent in a house sans dishwasher (and abnormally low countertops, which meant washing dishes was a major pain in the…).

We recently moved – into a house with a bright, shiny new dishwasher.  And I was reminded how lovely a contraption it is.

My dishwasher delivers on his promises.  He washes my dishes.  He dries my dishes.  He sterilizes our sippy cups.  He doesn’t balk at pots and pans, and he handles my wine glasses with white gloves.  There is no false flattery here – he doesn’t tell me what I want to hear, and then snigger behind my back.  No, folks.  The Dishwasher is a class act (much like my dryer, Mr. Rochester).

If Pantyhose are Pure Evil, then Dishwashers are our Knights in Shining Armor.  Sure, the two foes may fight on different battlefields, but I’m convinced a victory in the kitchen can overcome a ruined day from a run in those off-black stockings.  A clean kitchen in half the time at night can make up for the oncoming morning where you must wrestle yourself into a pair of unyielding and mocking Spanx in the name of fashion.

Tell me your thoughts!  Who out there is with me?  Or do you belong to Team Pantyhose and are itching to put me in my place like a size-too-small-girdle-strength-support-top-incarnation-of-evil?  🙂  I open myself up to any and all comments!

Big grins,



34 thoughts on “Silly Soapbox: How the invention of the Dishwasher makes up for the invention of Pantyhose

  1. Janae says:

    This could not have been put more perfectly. I find pantyhose absolutely detestable. I haven’t worn them since I had Aiden, but I’m fairly confident that I would hate them even more now.

  2. Emily says:

    Lol, 100% agree. Although I despise pantyhose enough to have not worn any in who-knows-how-long, I cannot resist the siren call of the spanx but promptly wriggle my way back out of them as soon as I am home again and give a deep sigh of relief.

  3. Emma Burcart says:

    So true and so great on so many levels! I discovered that pantyhose were horribly wrong as a child going through my mother’s drawers. She had all those colors you listed. I remember wondering why black was gray and natural was the color of silly putty. I have always been a tights-wearer myself. For me, the whole point is not having to shave my legs for one more day, so I like something dark and thick enough that you can’t see through. I also love my dishwasher. When I was a renter, it was actually on my list of must-haves. I often picked an ugly 1970’s apartment in a sketchy area with a dishwasher over a quaint place in a trendy area with just a sink. It saved me from having to buy paper plates because I just don’t do dishes. I totally related to this post!

    • Myndi stray sock away from insanity. says:

      Laughing so hard at the tights thing! I went to a school in High School that required skirts for girls, and tights were my SALVATION in winter when it was cold and the last thing I wanted to do was shave! 🙂 And I get the paper-plate thing. We should have invested in a paper plate company the last five years because we used so many. The best part at our new home is that my boys argue over who’s going to load the dishwasher. I know it won’t last forever, but I’m digging it for now. 🙂

  4. Lecia Cornwall says:

    Now that’s high concept! And very funny! Yes, panty hose are the Evil That Must Be Endured. There’s also eyebrow plucking, waxing, and the one I really hate—Body Shapers. Not my shape. No way. Only Barbie was ever meant to be that shape!

  5. Debra Kristi says:

    When I first saw the title of the post, I thought the pantyhose and dishwasher were going to duel it out, as in the hose get tangled up in the dishwasher or something. LOL

    I love my dishwasher! HATE, HATE, HATE washing dishes by hand. Far too many of them. And pantyhose, what are those? Oh yea, those are the things I keep on hand in case I want to knock off a 7-11 or something, right?

  6. gingercalem says:

    Awesome post, Myndi! I refuse to wear panty hose! Oh, I did back in the day when I was stupid, but oh no-no, not anymore! I do remember wearing a pair one time to work, I was about 19. They were the kind with the ‘panty’ included, so you didn’t need to wear, well, panties. Anyway, the darn things got a run, OF COURSE, and that is the worse sort of tacky, so they had to come off. But, what to do? Removing them would leave me commando in my mini! So, I had to cut the legs off with scissors in the bathroom.

  7. Kristy K. James says:

    Very funny. And very true. I hate pantyhose. In fact, I hate them so much I haven’t worn them in years. And if the need to ever comes up again, I’m going to see if any stores still sell thigh-highs.

    Not sure I agree with you about the dishwasher though. I grew up with parents who insisted on having dishes washed prior to being loaded in the dishwasher…and I find it’s a habit I just can’t break. So, unless we’ve had a lot of company or something, my poor dishwasher sits empty and neglected. And this from a woman who dislikes washing dishes by hand almost as much as she hates pantyhose! 🙂

  8. Francelia Belton (@FranceliaBelton) says:

    Myndi, I don’t really have anything to add, but just wanted to say that I really loved your post! It had me laughing out loud and I absolutely agreed with EVERYTHING you said. The only sad part for me…still no dishwasher. Still got to do the suckers by hand.

    Great post!

  9. Marcy Kennedy says:

    This is one of the best posts I’ve read in a while. I don’t think there’s a woman over the age of 28 (can’t speak for the teenagers of the world) who doesn’t get exactly what you’re saying.

    I was born with an athletic build, which means that anything that fits my waist and my feet automatically doesn’t fit my muscular thighs. So if my pantyhose are the right size for my thighs, I have to pull them up to my chest and I look like elephant lady around my feet. If they fit my other parts, I’m going to put a fingernail through them trying to get them over my thighs.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s