Scraping Tongues

So, I know the whole Miley Cyrus debacle is so last week, but something about it is still haunting me. For the most part I’ve managed to shove away the images of giant, mutant teddy bears and poor, molested foam fingers, and all the rest of the circus that I don’t have it in me to translate into words for the human eye to read. But there is one thing, one last thing, that I think needs to be addressed:

The color of the girl’s tongue. It’s not happy, peachy pink like a normal, healthy tongue ought to be. It’s white. Like, toxins-are-desperately-trying-to-escape-her-body white.

Please, Miley. Put the poor molested foam finger down and go drink some water. And then use this:

It’s called a tongue scraper. You can buy a his-and-hers pair (one for you, and one for Liam) on Amazon for under six bucks. Here, click on this link. Don’t be intimidated by this funky-looking, brightly colored wand. I promise after you get used to using it, you’ll like it. So will anybody standing in close proximity to you. ‘Cause, dude. A tongue that shade must be putting off some seriously funky scent.