LETTERS FROM MYNNIESUE: To the FIVE people who found my blog searching for ‘Nice Comments to Say to Lovely Kids’…

Maybe it’s just me, but I find it a little weird that you can’t think of something nice to say on your own.  Like maybe you really don’t think the kids in question are all that lovely, but you need to have something in your back pocket because their dad is your best friend from college and he can’t see anything wrong with his ‘perfect’ offspring.  Perhaps you’re no good at thinking up lies on the spot and you need some talking points ready to go at a moment’s notice when your sorority-sister turned soccer-mom wants to meet up for lunch with her little angels in tow.

I could be all wrong.  That’s just what it seems like to me.

I’m here to help.

The following phrases are bland yet powerful and can be used to pacify parents the world over.  I should know.  I have both used and been the recipient of them all.  Some of them have double meanings, which adds a touch of enjoyment to giving them when the child in question is particularly beastly.

(1) “What a doll!”  We’ve all seen the Chucky movies, right?  And this one is so bland and benign you can use it almost anywhere.

(2)  “He/She looks just like you!”  This may or may not be true, but there isn’t a parent on the planet (with the possible exception of adoptive parents, who by the way, are all rockstars in my book) who doesn’t love to hear that their offspring looks just like them.  I personally LOVE to hear it, even when it’s said about one of my kids who clearly resembles their dad more than they do me.  And it’s the kind of compliment no parent will ever call into question.  We love hearing it so much that we’ll never, ever stop to wonder if it’s given with the spirit of something other than genuine honesty.

(3)  “I hope I have kids just like yours someday.”  This one is for you folks who have yet to fill your nest with offspring.  While there may be instances when this is a genuine statement, there will be plenty of times where this really means “Hanging out with you and your kids is the best birth control on the planet”.

(4)  “He/She is such a free spirit!”  This is another wide-use compliment, applicable in many situations, but especially good when what’s playing through your mind is something like, “If you can’t keep your kid from stripping down naked and dancing on the table, we’re going to be thrown out of the restaurant,” or “Is there any possible way you could get your kid to stop finger-painting me with his/her yogurt?”

(5)  “I’m sure it’s a phase.”  This one isn’t really a compliment, and to be honest, lots of times it’s a very true statement.  But it also comes in handy when you just don’t know what else to say, like when little Johnny insits on eating lunch with one hand down his pants, or when Susie has an affinity for licking windows.

I hope you find this little tutorial helpful.  May your compliments be delivered with a straight face and an air of genuine reverence.

Your friend,

Mynniesue

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LETTERS FROM MYNNIESUE: To the Person Who Found My Blog Searching for “Posting Humiliating Things on your Wall is my New Reason to Get Up in the Morning”…

I’m proud of you.  Proud that you’ve found a reason to get up in the morning.  We all need a reason open our eyes, cram our feet into our pink bunny slippers, and stumble our way to the coffee pot.

Just in case your new reason for getting out of bed in the morning fizzles out, here are some other ideas that might help you face the glare of a new day with poise, grace, and a sprinkling of vengeance (’cause I have a feeling that’s how you roll).

*Bacon ice cream exists.  It’s a real thing.  Really, I could end the list here, couldn’t I?

*Some people say it’s easier to get out of bed in the morning if you place your alarm clock across the room. Screw that.  I say, paint a target on the wall across the room, and when your alarm clock goes off in the morning, hurl The Evil Harbinger of the New Day at the target.  You won’t be able to help but get out of bed to have a look at how good your aim was.  Trust me.  And the day that you finally hit the bull’s eye?  That, my friend, will be a Red Letter Day.

*If you don’t get out of bed, the dog will pee on the carpet.  This isn’t a glamorous reason to face the day, but it’s a Good Hardy Practical one.  Sometimes that’s all a person needs.

*You know all the lyrics to Pat Benetar’s Hit Me With Your Best Shot.  The world needs you.

 

*You don’t know all the lyrics to Pat Benetar’s Hit Me With Your Best Shot.  Learning them should be your next priority in life.  We’re talking prime karaoke mic time here, friend.

*Two words:  Hemsworth Brothers.  Almost as good as bacon ice cream.

 

*Somebody, somewhere has made a new Chuck Norris joke.  And you don’t not get out of bed for new Chuck Norris jokes.

*Bacon ice cream.  It bears repeating.

I hope that if your new reason for getting up in the morning fails you, these secondary ideas serve you well.

Hugs-n-kisses,

Mynniesue

p.s.  I really, really hope that it’s not my wall you’re planning on humiliating-post-bombing.